taken out of context

I think it is necessary to spend some time with your self every so often, to know one's self... if that is ever possible. Just as soon as I think I've learned something about who I am, I tend to prove myself wrong. And it usually has to do with context. Here is the thing -

Last night I went to a party with some old friends. Friends from my old job, I should say - the Big Four job. And they are all doing well... in the monetary sense. Yes, there are a few who are finishing up law school and business school and thus are not technically "in the money", but are on a certain and well-laid-out plan to arrive at "the money". I am not concerned for their well-being, let's just say.

So here I was. Sans made-up face, sans elaborate strappy heels, sans well-fitted jeans. I did have with me: some groceries from Trader Joe's, my piano music in a beat-up messenger bag, and a new haircut (although it needed a wash). And as I described "what I've been doing" to various old acquaintances, and tried not to talk about money - I have a tendency to exclaim about things that cost far more than they should, and brag when I've snagged a bargain - my mind began to wander. I thought about their nice lifestyle, and how I could actually get back on that track and be in their shiny pointy shoes if I wanted. And for a moment, I did want it, which was strange.

What is it about the mentality of a group, the phenomenon of being surrounded by people who are all somewhat alike, that makes you decide you want to be like them, too? It is frustrating for me to look back on various moments in my life when I made decisions based almost entirely on what the people around me were doing. And here I was in that situation yet again.

I wonder this: do we truly choose our friends and make our own choices? Or, in some ways, do our friends and our choices find us? And is there ever a way to truly be an individual, or are our actions forever governed by the strongest personalities in our nearest vicinity? I don't necessarily think there is a right or wrong in this realm, but I do find it fascinating.

That I actually, quite seriously, considered applying to law school last night.

get scared

I like this. I like when "new studies" uphold my you-have-to-do-the-thing-that-scares-you philosophy.

I must say, however, that I don't like that it falls under the 'business' section in the Times, or the fact that the expert on this issue is an "executive change consultant". That phrase makes me gag. I don't think I could say it out loud without literally choking.

Consultants and business-people like to state the obvious. So maybe, by that logic, everyone must already know that it's healthy to try new things and stimulate your brain every once in a while. It would be nice if everyone already knew that. Would render this post - and, indeed, this entire site - quite superfluous.

stand back

This week I was reading about the history of Western thought and then I was looking at nytimes.com (which, certainly, plays its own small role in the history of Western thought) and something intrigued me about their "most blogged" list of articles. Not about the list itself, but about the fact that it exists and how I was sure there was a very telling sociological / anthropological study in there somewhere - about the type of people who read the New York Times online and the particular articles they are interested in. For example, the "most blogged" story today was about high gas prices, which could be interpreted to mean that most online readers either own cars or rely heavily on crude oil... or are environmentalists encouraging their readers to be independent of oil, or... Whatever it means, I was bemused by the way my brain instantly tried to make sense of the data presented. It was how I was trained in college - look at all the facts and information and numbers, and make it make sense!

I thought about how when we are young, there is a point at which the world becomes overwhelming. When we travel for the first time, for example, we begin to understand ourselves as part of a larger world, and we realize how very much we do not know about who we are. So we try to make sense of it all. I used to think it was funny, in college, the way we existed in our removed little microchasm - discussing our lives in theoretical terms that ended in "-ization", spending hours on a math problem without writing down a single number. My roommate once said, we all have our own models for understanding the world, and everything we see, hear, experience, has to fit into that model somewhere. We choose a mode of interpretation - our college major, supposedly - and this is how we process the overwhelming amount of information to which we are exposed.

Lately, I have begun to question this codification in favor of a new philosophy: observation and acceptance. I simply find the world fascinating as it is. Perhaps it is because I have not been able to fully commit my mind to any one methodology; and springtime and a recent bit of good fortune have inspired me to see everything as beautiful and unique and worthwhile. If I could step to the podium for a moment, I would say this: it is time to step back. Stop trying to force things to make sense, just listen, watch, absorb. It takes concentration and effort, but I believe it will bring peace to this Western world.