this fateful day

It occurred to me that, on a quite regular basis over the past year or two, I have taken to believing in fate. That is, these-things-happen-for-a-reason, and whatever's-meant-to-be-will-be, and so on. And not only am I becoming a strong and fast believer in fate, but I am also accepting it. My new philosophy, as it would seem, is to watch things happen, accept them, and move on.

Today I woke up to find that both of the appointments I had this morning had been canceled. And I found myself thinking, "aha, this must mean it's time for me to work on those creative pieces I've left on the back burner." So I took my laptop over to the couch and opened my folder of unfinished prose documents. Then I paused. Why, apparently, did it take some "sign", some fluke freed-up hours in my schedule, to motivate me to do the thing I love? What have I been sitting around doing all this time?

Living in the city and working as a receptionist, I'm operating at all times in a state of reaction. Phone calls and emails come in, traffic lights change, the train comes and goes, I run out of coffee beans and paper towels and now is a good time to stock up because they are on special at the market, and we've got to see that movie before the theater gets something new, and sure I'll pick up extra hours at work because there's rent to pay and monthly internet access fees are going up.

It's as though life is a musical number with a million different tracks and I am an ear with an amateur understanding of music. I pick up on different parts and follow the track for a while - the bass line, the melody, the drum style, one of the harmonizing vocal lines - and I am amused by it and sometimes I hum along. But I never have the energy to lay down a track of my own, to create a new harmony or add a new instrument, or even just join the chorus. I'm just listening. I'm just reacting.

The idea of creating a new track, honestly, kind of scares me. I think I am afraid that I'll lose sight of the beauty of it all. I'll be so focused on perfecting my own part and blending and complementing what is there, that I won't be able to hear everything, simultaneously.

But today there was a lull, a moment when things slowed down and got quiet, and I had to fill it with something. Whether it was fate or not, it certainly gave me pause and maybe a bit of a kick-start. This fateful day is showing me that I really should get in there and join the song.